Nowdays I write only when I am upset and it really doesn't make sense...I ll be full of prejudice and biased if I write why I am upset...After a few days I will be perfectly fine and then I feel I am too silly to write all this way...or am I correcting everything into a nice picture..just like old me..i doono..if so I hate myself...

Rework

One more month winding up....From tomorrow I am going to start a new routine...simply to show myself that I am the same adamant me, who refuse to feel bad... :)


Plus I am going to brush up my dream...Dream of being a writer....To an extent writing blog helped me to get rid of feeling dead guilty.. But now i strongly feel about it.....there comes a time for everyone when we feel bad for staying in the safe cocoon....Not venturing what we want...


No..No..I am not going to resign neither I can travel to some flashy place and get the alone time to think and write...I do madly love my pay cheques and cant think of a day when I am not earning myself.. he he....But I am seriously going to do something about my dream....


To be very true I started writing seriously a few months back, when I was less busy at work....But later when I was rewarded with few prestigious assignments, I over enthusiastically forgot the 40+ pages and pushed it from desktop to my personal folder ...As the saying goes..out of sight out of mind....Days became week and week turned to be months...


And then, a beautiful day arrived....As usual I went to office carrying my dear lappy..Mid of the day I received a mail from my manger asking to upgrade certain software...Being a person who find all the interference in the work as something to be happy about....I closed all the work I was doing and started installing the upgrades...Growing bored with the "loading bar" I opened FB, online newpapers, few parenting sites ( my new addiction, easy to read on how to be a good parent than practicing all those thing real ..It doo make us feel good!! ;) )...I remember getting pop ups based on software updates where I have to say "Yes" "yes" and again " Yes"...Being so engrossed in the articles and fb pics, I simply gave yes to all pop up and then all of a sudden my screen began to blink and I could see many unknown files popping up...For one second I couldn't understand..Then it striked...Virusssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, my poor system was attacked by a dirty malvirus (dnt ask me where it came from, I don't have the slightest clueee.. :( )


I was completely shaken...Being very responsible, I never use to save or update my work using crash recovery system..I moved it to shared folders only once its completely done...I trusted my machine so much and never thought such thing could happen to me....


Might be my intuition, even when my manager and senior collegues tried hard  to either remove the virus or to recover the data.. I was pretty sure, I lost everything that I stored...All the files were corrupted and cudn't decrypt it back..My mind tried to adjust with reality...As a final hope I took my system to our IT guy and waited with my fingers crossed. And then came the final verdict " Reimage the system..All the files got corrupted"..
Bhooommmm....


One side I have to redo my task which I could have moved to "completed " status soon...Other side I lost all the things which I have lovingly saved in my personal folder...including my "musings"


To sum up, I lost all my data in a wimps of second....hoooooooooooooo


Postive thing is I have a fresh slate to start...So here it goes..My toast to myself for becoming a wonderful writer... :) :) :) Feeling very sleepy ..Will catch you 2maro...

Poem: My glass wall

Alone in the darkness, trying to make words from my thoughts I wept
My cheeks were dry, eyes sleepy and throat hoarse


Why I broke my glass wall?


That saved me from hurt, guilt and tears
That made me say no when I heard loud yes from within
That made me laugh when I was confused
That made me sleep when I felt love
That made me cry when I am out of word
That made me angry when someone utter 'love'
That made me run hearing the word commit


My glass wall that saved me from the world of hurt
Oh! why I thrashed you away


Foolish me..


Thinking I don't need you anymore
Thinking I got the rock of my life
Thinking I got myself back
Thinking life is easy, I thrashed you, I dumbed you


Without you, I am bare, easy to get hurt, like a open wound
Scared to call you back, I am left alone

myself

I don't have any great memories of my school days...For me, it was a place where I was constantly evaluated, judged and marked....And not being a topper or outstanding performer, I never got the attention that I wanted...So naturally like all the mediocre feel I felt totally left out.. To be very frank I was too much pampered at my home that I never found anything that inspires me to like my school ...I just hated everything about it, even the blue uniform..I think I started reading books just coz I cud spend some alone time in library than being with my classmates...


It doesn't mean I was a loner..I do had some friends around...Might be because I was too demanding and bit possessive, might be because they found no value in keeping my friendship...Whatever it is, I was always heart broken for being too sincere unnecessarily ...I think it continued till I turned 16..I was getting too much depressed...I was falling into some dark hole that pulls me in...I was being too much sincere over everyone.......And never happy in the way others treat me..


Then I realized something very strange...Don't let anything hurt you..no person, no relationship..(family not included in the rule) For that, only one point we need to remember, never be too much sincere, never get too much attached, never be blind over any relationship...Everyone wanted to enjoy the time and feel good about themselves.., if you are a good entertainer, if you look attractive, if you look bold and if you know to appreciate others... people will flock around you......That was a new beginning ....I changed the way I live..the way I think..the way I behave...everything..In simple, I revamped myself...I started reading serious books, started writing, tried to experiment with my looks, got lot of good friends.....Later I understood a simple law of relationship....Its like loose sand, don't grip it too tight, it will definitely slip away.. :)..And I was very happy...


Slowly it became my nature, I never allowed myself to be attached to anyone..I was like floating and being happy for the moment rather than trying to build a relationship that last for a life time...I drifted away if I think anyone is getting too much possessive about me...or if I feel I liked them a bit more than I am supposed to be.....I was scared of getting hurt again...I was such a happy being that my friends never doubted me...I was always there most trusted person..a very good companion and secret keeper....As I grew old I got friends who were so true that I sat down and wept alone in the dark thinking about my incapability in being sincere like them...I simply lost it somewhere...For me it is the key that unlocks the door to unhappiness....And I didn't want to risk my happiness, my peaceful existence with something unknown....There was a glass wall that I built around me...which protected me from getting hurt...a glass wall that is visible only to me.,..


Then one day I found my man...I broke that glass wall because I thought I no longer need to be scared of loosing this person ...he is all mine..


Yes, from that day... from the day I started loving him..i am getting hurt..i am crying everyday...I am feeling lost again..I became that little insecure girl in the class...away from the secure home...away from the family...who badly wants support..


When my heart is pure it hurts, if not it will never know pain...

I was on my way back from work, totally irritated at the traffic block and thinking anxiously on what to make for dinner. An aggressive road seller literally banged at my window, asking if I want the toys they made. I just glanced on my phone n avoided looking up..then again she banged , I waved my hands jestering I don't want..still she stood there showing the yellow teddy bear..I was disgusted thinking ' How could I buy a road selling teddy to my baby, it will have all the dust n he even might get an allergy...And what about the mateial its made off..No way am going to buy it...And who will be foolish enough to buy this' Cutting my thoughts, she again banged, this time more loudly,.."Oh! This I cant stand I have to scold her that she wont irritate anyone like this anymore!!" I rolled down my window with all the anger I could feel and then I saw two little eyes staring at me..only I noticed a bag like thing she attached to her saree and a baby was whinning softly from inside...it was a small baby, may be few months old or less...coated with dust and tired, might be crying for food...and was looking at me..I searched for my purse and meanwhile the signal changed ,  hones honking around me.. and I had to pull of my car...


I reached home..and when my son came running and wrapped his arms around me...I know he see all the goodness in me ; all the goodness as me...and what was left in me was pure guilt...

I am no longer the person who read newspaper everyday or watched news channels with keen interest...I try to excuse myself with the reason; "I have a small kid and don't have to time".. But inside somewhere I know that's not the reason...I get totally disturbed reading/watching/hearing all this and just feel bad the whole day thinking how useless I am...






We know about corruption, we know about discriminations, we know about unethical practices, we know about violence (thanks to the over enthusiastic media!!!). Everything we know yet we act as we are just clueless about the mad world where we live.. ..Why people forget that's its the humans that's is responsible for all these activities and simply cant shrug that responsibility off the shoulder.




Yes, I am living in Kerala and I know its a safe cocoon...Here, we have a bunch of very practical, educated and politically well informed crowd.. Of course corruption is there, mentally perverted people are there, extremists  are there...Still when compared to the rest of India I believe we are in a very safe place..

I was reading about the recent incident where a Phd student committed suicide (after seeing the reference in one of my friend's FB post)...It's not the news that caught my attention (we are now used to hear n number of suicides and no more its a thing that can make us worry...its a personal choice, what public has to do about it!!!) But the letter he wrote.. I am sure everyone of us, at least once in life must have definitely went through that kind of emptiness, which he mentioned...I was scared, at one point of my life, of being plunged to that black hole, so I stopped reading/watching/hearing news.....Whatever we see now, whatever we try hard to achieve, whatever to we try to teach children, whatever we feel it as love...everything is kind of fake now...I don't know anyone in my life whom I can call as completely fair in their actions...its all biased and worst is we have learned to accept everything as normal...corruption, violence, anything we can now take in with a cup of tea....Going back to a system where we really give importance to values rather than customs and beliefs is very very far...and I doubt if it ever existed... When a daughter feels happy only when she gets dowry, saying that's how princesses wed, whom is to be blamed? When a boy bias a dark colored girl to a fair girl saying its my personal choice, whom is to be blamed? When we sideline people who speak out what they feel, whom is to be blamed? When showing sympathy makes us feel good, whom to be blamed? When we try to protect our religion, saying who else if not us, whom is to be blamed? When we categories people on what they eat rather than what they think or act, whom is to be blamed?

#Parenting# How to handle a toddler Part - 1 - Introduction :D

Parenting is a subject that I have never touched in my life when it comes to writing..Might be becasue after being a mother I never got time to sit and type about what i really think about it...

Today I have some spare time and I have a bad feel about scolding my baby for a silly thing, which I could have avoided...But sometimes, you know, we tend to forget they are so small and new to everything that we have introduced to them...

I was always short tempered when it comes to people who are close to me and as obviously my son being the most suitable person with that crietria, i really get all fumed up when he do something against my 'plan of action'.. Thanks to all the people who are super cool around me, I can rarely show that to him..It will seriously affect my image as the dotting mom and next time he gets angry to anyone, I am sure to get a glance saying " Ha, this is exactly what you do" :D

I don't know about others but even when i am considered as a super cool person outside, after being a mom, i read tons of articles regarding anger management!!! And i still read all that comes across me regarding parenting..I really wanted to be the the best mom ever..he he..Who doesnt?

So i thought i will write something that made me feel good of doing as a parent...

• Express your love (As i am kind of expressive person and being pretty good at it, it is easy for me :p)
• Appreciate them for all the little things they do. For them it is big and mostly the first time :)
• Talk to them as much as you could (Believe me, no books can be that funny and creative)
• When they try to talk to you, even if its something silly and you are busy with something very important, listen to them, and give them a reply.
• If you want to avoid them, dont tell to go away or that you are busy...Give them some task that will occupy them..or ask them to sit with someone who is equally dear... or if nobody is there, nothing wrong in letting them watch their cartoon for sometime while you finish your work..Don't simply avoid them and let them play alone.
• Don't express anger by shouting or hitting (Sometimes i forget but still i try to control it to the max. When you are angry and want to scold them for some wrong thing which you dont want them to repeat..simply stare at them for sometime and walk away...I strongly believe it works 1000% better than shouting..When we shout, they just don't understand what we speak, they simply get scared, then sad and then they might feel we don't love them...(I tend to shout only when I am in a hurry and really short of time to stare and walk away ..lol..:D)....When you walk away they will come to you or sit silent. Then after some time when they try to patch up with you, tell them you felt bad and being mom's dear don't repeat it. At first, its difficult but if you practicse it for few days you will definitely see a huge difference.
• Dont let them watch violent natured movies or ads or cartoons. They are not ripe enough to understand what is right or wrong. When they find that their parents are keenly watching  that kind of actions, they try to imitate it. It is simply because they will take it as something good.
• And, I personally think it is better to grow childern as intolerant to violance rather than making them feeling violance as a part of life. 
• I got a real feel of the extent of tolerance the kids have towards violence when I went to watch the movie - Bahubali, which is an epic movie. While i was literally keeping my eyes closed to avoid so many scenes, i found that the 7/8 year kid who was sitting next to me watched all that violence without blinking his eyes. And to be very frank it scared me. I like when kids (adults too) get upset seeing violence. That's what we have to teach them. Not to be strong enough to sit and watch a person being beheaded. They should be strong enough to feel bad and express that they are upset seeing all this.

Okyz that for today...I started to write something nice and ended up saying something that always disturbed me..I donno how to tell the world this except to scribble here..After being a mother, I am nowdays too sensitive :D

Yes, that's what exactly happens. I always think it is the same every day but when I look back, forget the things around me, even the person I was before no more exists in the same way. But as my favorite saying goes "everything happens for good" and what is that " good" element it is up to us to find... :D

It's been quite a long that I typed anything here. But as a kind of routine, I used to take new year's resolutions to write something and this year has no difference, except that I didn't dare to put anything to paper. So it was all in my head, to write a diary, to continue blogging, to work on my dream project, to read new books, to travel, to simply sit gazing at the sky, wishing for a shooting star to pass... (the last one was  not in my list ;) let it be, at least that I can put a tick mark at the end of the year :D)

So 2016 is here!

This year is/will be quite special and a bit confusing for me. More than the word confusing it should be..eh..anxious..ok let it be. Yes, I am anxious, that's not a big deal for the reason I got because my hubby consoled and almost convinced me saying it is very common. Sometimes I feel he tries to generalize all my worries too much (his way of consoling) that I too find my thoughts getting drowned in the crowd. :(

Ok, the thing is I am turning 30 and being a girl..oops. Sorry, a woman who still find it quite difficult to accept that I am married and mother of 3 years old, the "30" sounds a bit too ageyy ( I know Microsoft that there is no such word and I think it is perfectly fine to tweak words to express myself a bit more nicely. So I am not going to change that word even if you show me that red line :D )

Hurray, it worked!!! I was trying to see if I could export my old blog content here...just for horror and it worked!!! And the funny thing is now I have in total 106 posts and almost 75 in draft status...I have to check how come I have so much in draft status? :D

So lemme go and sort it out. I feel like I got a trunk full of my old things to sort, to touch and remember, to feel a bit sad and to feel more and more excited :D

I Will b back soon... :)