Rework

One more month winding up....From tomorrow I am going to start a new routine...simply to show myself that I am the same adamant me, who refuse to feel bad... :)


Plus I am going to brush up my dream...Dream of being a writer....To an extent writing blog helped me to get rid of feeling dead guilty.. But now i strongly feel about it.....there comes a time for everyone when we feel bad for staying in the safe cocoon....Not venturing what we want...


No..No..I am not going to resign neither I can travel to some flashy place and get the alone time to think and write...I do madly love my pay cheques and cant think of a day when I am not earning myself.. he he....But I am seriously going to do something about my dream....


To be very true I started writing seriously a few months back, when I was less busy at work....But later when I was rewarded with few prestigious assignments, I over enthusiastically forgot the 40+ pages and pushed it from desktop to my personal folder ...As the saying goes..out of sight out of mind....Days became week and week turned to be months...


And then, a beautiful day arrived....As usual I went to office carrying my dear lappy..Mid of the day I received a mail from my manger asking to upgrade certain software...Being a person who find all the interference in the work as something to be happy about....I closed all the work I was doing and started installing the upgrades...Growing bored with the "loading bar" I opened FB, online newpapers, few parenting sites ( my new addiction, easy to read on how to be a good parent than practicing all those thing real ..It doo make us feel good!! ;) )...I remember getting pop ups based on software updates where I have to say "Yes" "yes" and again " Yes"...Being so engrossed in the articles and fb pics, I simply gave yes to all pop up and then all of a sudden my screen began to blink and I could see many unknown files popping up...For one second I couldn't understand..Then it striked...Virusssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, my poor system was attacked by a dirty malvirus (dnt ask me where it came from, I don't have the slightest clueee.. :( )


I was completely shaken...Being very responsible, I never use to save or update my work using crash recovery system..I moved it to shared folders only once its completely done...I trusted my machine so much and never thought such thing could happen to me....


Might be my intuition, even when my manager and senior collegues tried hard  to either remove the virus or to recover the data.. I was pretty sure, I lost everything that I stored...All the files were corrupted and cudn't decrypt it back..My mind tried to adjust with reality...As a final hope I took my system to our IT guy and waited with my fingers crossed. And then came the final verdict " Reimage the system..All the files got corrupted"..
Bhooommmm....


One side I have to redo my task which I could have moved to "completed " status soon...Other side I lost all the things which I have lovingly saved in my personal folder...including my "musings"


To sum up, I lost all my data in a wimps of second....hoooooooooooooo


Postive thing is I have a fresh slate to start...So here it goes..My toast to myself for becoming a wonderful writer... :) :) :) Feeling very sleepy ..Will catch you 2maro...

Poem: My glass wall

Alone in the darkness, trying to make words from my thoughts I wept
My cheeks were dry, eyes sleepy and throat hoarse


Why I broke my glass wall?


That saved me from hurt, guilt and tears
That made me say no when I heard loud yes from within
That made me laugh when I was confused
That made me sleep when I felt love
That made me cry when I am out of word
That made me angry when someone utter 'love'
That made me run hearing the word commit


My glass wall that saved me from the world of hurt
Oh! why I thrashed you away


Foolish me..


Thinking I don't need you anymore
Thinking I got the rock of my life
Thinking I got myself back
Thinking life is easy, I thrashed you, I dumbed you


Without you, I am bare, easy to get hurt, like a open wound
Scared to call you back, I am left alone

myself

I don't have any great memories of my school days...For me, it was a place where I was constantly evaluated, judged and marked....And not being a topper or outstanding performer, I never got the attention that I wanted...So naturally like all the mediocre feel I felt totally left out.. To be very frank I was too much pampered at my home that I never found anything that inspires me to like my school ...I just hated everything about it, even the blue uniform..I think I started reading books just coz I cud spend some alone time in library than being with my classmates...


It doesn't mean I was a loner..I do had some friends around...Might be because I was too demanding and bit possessive, might be because they found no value in keeping my friendship...Whatever it is, I was always heart broken for being too sincere unnecessarily ...I think it continued till I turned 16..I was getting too much depressed...I was falling into some dark hole that pulls me in...I was being too much sincere over everyone.......And never happy in the way others treat me..


Then I realized something very strange...Don't let anything hurt you..no person, no relationship..(family not included in the rule) For that, only one point we need to remember, never be too much sincere, never get too much attached, never be blind over any relationship...Everyone wanted to enjoy the time and feel good about themselves.., if you are a good entertainer, if you look attractive, if you look bold and if you know to appreciate others... people will flock around you......That was a new beginning ....I changed the way I live..the way I think..the way I behave...everything..In simple, I revamped myself...I started reading serious books, started writing, tried to experiment with my looks, got lot of good friends.....Later I understood a simple law of relationship....Its like loose sand, don't grip it too tight, it will definitely slip away.. :)..And I was very happy...


Slowly it became my nature, I never allowed myself to be attached to anyone..I was like floating and being happy for the moment rather than trying to build a relationship that last for a life time...I drifted away if I think anyone is getting too much possessive about me...or if I feel I liked them a bit more than I am supposed to be.....I was scared of getting hurt again...I was such a happy being that my friends never doubted me...I was always there most trusted person..a very good companion and secret keeper....As I grew old I got friends who were so true that I sat down and wept alone in the dark thinking about my incapability in being sincere like them...I simply lost it somewhere...For me it is the key that unlocks the door to unhappiness....And I didn't want to risk my happiness, my peaceful existence with something unknown....There was a glass wall that I built around me...which protected me from getting hurt...a glass wall that is visible only to me.,..


Then one day I found my man...I broke that glass wall because I thought I no longer need to be scared of loosing this person ...he is all mine..


Yes, from that day... from the day I started loving him..i am getting hurt..i am crying everyday...I am feeling lost again..I became that little insecure girl in the class...away from the secure home...away from the family...who badly wants support..


When my heart is pure it hurts, if not it will never know pain...