After a long time

 Hi my fav space,

I am sure no one else other than me going to read this page. And I don't wish too...

Every time I want to ask myself 'How I feel?'.. But I am scared to ask so.. I have travelled so ahead from that 18 year old who started this blog.. Its almost double the years and ye, I am quite successful in my career, like I always wanted to be. I am married to a good man and have two adoring kids. Life is good.

But somehow I am feeling so drained. I don't know why my eyes are filled, I don't know why I am so exhausted, I don't know why I clutch to my mobile and endlessly browse ..From what I am trying to run away..

I have changed a lot? No, I don't think so... Back then, I was very clear on what I want because i was always dreaming alone... I have never given anyone a space to dream with me...Yes, I was damn selfish, I know. So all the good and bad decisions affected only me. I took decisions on impulse, based on what I felt. And I don't regret too. That made me, that made my life. But now it is another equation which I feel so strange.

My Roots (Poem)

I may stand without withering,

Trying hard not to bend.

I may stand bright and enjoy the drizzles,

Washing away the dust and quenching my thirst.

I may sway for the wind,

Trying to wish for the song once I loved.

I may grow an inch or two,

But I know I will never bloom,

For my roots are never here.

I miss the smell of wet soil,

And the ecstasy it brings along.

I remember the fluttering of the butterfly,

And the love we shared.

I may go back once,

The wind will blow to touch my fingers.

I will never see those beautiful wings. 

But I can smell the wet soil again,

Again and again, till I forget everything.

 After a long time, I am typing again for my blog. This time I am sure I don't have any viewers, though secretly I wish for a few.

But Okay. If I don't fetch some words from my heart and put them here, I will forget all thoughts I had when I just finished the epic year 2020!.

Yes, I've just completed the year!

As the years' pass, I am getting more and more confused about what is right and what is wrong. I always believed it as a personal perspective. But now I feel it is not; our life is not ours alone. How much we try to argue, however, we try to prove, no, this is not a battle that we've to win alone. It's not a group song too.

Life is so intertwined, glued, and mixed it's so difficult to draw boundaries, it's difficult to say no, it's confusing to agree and love is not the only feel we crave for...

As technology barged into our life as a sweet unavoidable nuisance, we are flooded with information. Too much interpretation and too much exposure had made us, at least me, so confused. I see I hear I believe and later I get to know that I was being fooled to view a video to make me believe in something which was not true! 

I read news with total opposite perspectives which leave me baffled. What to believe! Sad to say, though we are bombarded with a lot of information, we tend to believe what we already believe...we just fetch information that makes our beliefs strong...even if it is something weird as Flat Earth theory!!!

So this is where I stand in 2021, 35 years old...still trying to figure out what exactly is right! :)

I was always behind this word...As we grow older we tend to find more things wrong. Is it because I am being a grumpy old aunty! Or is it simply because I find much drama useless!

Today If I am to post what I feel in Facebook it will be " Feeling Determined".


Last few days one quote keeps on resonating in my mind so much that it doesn't disturb me any more 
" One day you will wake up and realize that there wont be any more time left to do things you always wanted to do"


I have thought so much about this line. First I felt sad. I am a dreamer. Always dreaming for things I love, as the person I always want to be...And what if I have to go back from this world without doing anything?


Quite depressing. I felt stuck. But after some days I felt really positive about it. That's why I thought of writing it down. There will be many in this world who gets this kind of thoughts and gets depressed.
So here is the solution and from today I am going to pen down my actions to see if it really works.


Yes life is more over a trial and error game. So its ok whatever happened to your life so far. It actually doesn't matter at all. Many might disagree but its the truth. Its our own choice whether we have to move on or stick to the past. Lets be a clear paper first. First even I thought this as funny.


With loans, kid, family , job, commitments, and the mind that society created how will I be a clear paper to start afresh. All this things cannot be changed. Yes you may not say to Bank that I am starting again so wave off my loan, you cannot ask your baby or husband to give you space. That's not how you should deal it.


We should have one time table. Yes a simple time table to organize your time that you have enough free time. Ok lemme start with my own routine.


I am not a morning person to start with. I love my bed and pillows more than any other material comfort. I have a kid who goes to school by 7 45. My husband is abroad and I have a proper 9-5 job.
And I dream to be a writer, I want be in perfect shape, I want to drive my car, I want to be a perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect employee and afterall a perfect positive person. Yes, I am going to start an experiment where I am given 90 days (three months) to a me whom I proudly love.


The one and only clause. I will not give up even if I couldn't do one or two days as I planned to be.


So here it goes:


Day 1 - Monday


Today Morning I planned to do so many things as being the first day in my experiment. But I got up late, missed kid's school bus, had to get an auto and drop him off to school before I reach office. I skipped breakfast and ate two Choco biscuits before I rush to office.


Reached office. Yes, I took the stairs. Saw a friend who started driving car. Talked to her and really got motivated. Planned to call and fix an appointment with driving school. Took one bottle water and started sipping. Took my office diary and jot down the to-do list for this week.


Not letting myself down 10 choclates +pista+cashew :D.


Any way food control wise it was not a best day to list out. Other than that it was an okay day. I had some work and one of my problem is I am very hesitant to give constant updates on my work status to others and very much reluctant to ask for help by mail or phone. If some one is sitting near I am very much okay to disturb but if not face to face. it is very difficult for me. That's one of the character which is not that good from my work point of view. " What others will think" is too ingrained in me , I don't actually realize at what all level it influence my character.


Enrolled my son to a music class in my apartment. He was kind of nagging me asking " Why amma, why r u not taking me to any music or drawing class!!! I thought I wont be a mom who drag my kid to every other class but what to do!!! Painting and skating are next in his list!!


Saturday and Sunday morning 7 30. Hope he will get up. Me too :D


Talked to hubby and I miss him badly. He is a kind of husband who would like to do all so called man's work ; daily shopping, house maintenance work, calling workers and somehow I found it really good and never tried to give a second glance. Now as he is not here, I am finding it very hard to cope up. Which makes learning to drive my first priority.


How to stop kid from watching TV? my boy love cartoons and evening I am having a hell of time to switch off that stupid box. I hope he will learn to manage TV time without making a havoc. Need to take him to eye doctor too. Some weeks  back we went for a check up and dr told me to consult an   eye doctor. Some says its better not to wear specs and some says ulta. I am confused.
As me and my husband have specs, I think it will be natural for him to get that problem. Let me see. Something I really dislike.!!


Ok Bye for Today.

I don't know why I decided to blog now. I am at the office and loaded with work. I've to go early as I've guests at home and plan for dinner. I am a bit cross with my husband over things that we don't both understand ;) To sum up I am like a fully messed up soul today with a no-sleep headache to accentuate what I feel.

Suddenly I decided to hear songs. I am not a music person nowadays because I feel it makes me very soft which in turn crash the strong image I am trying to build up. But might be because the black tea couldn't solve my headache I started playing a song..and I m in love with the music and lines. It's all about a pair just falling in love..and how they see the world, with a lot of happiness.

Pure is this moment, Before the desire blooms, 

When the unseen dreams start to frame 

Will this moment and your face will always be there in my mind every day

not to be forgotten ever...

It's so true, the most beautiful moment is the time just before we realize that we are in love, it so pure in all aspects.. without plans, without future, without family, without character dissection, without anything to worry. It's pure and peaceful. that's happiness.

We all live trying to get the moment back, get that excitement, that fluttering back. Or hoping that it is still there...

Nowdays I write only when I am upset and it really doesn't make sense...I ll be full of prejudice and biased if I write why I am upset...After a few days I will be perfectly fine and then I feel I am too silly to write all this way...or am I correcting everything into a nice picture..just like old me..i doono..if so I hate myself...

Rework

One more month winding up....From tomorrow I am going to start a new routine...simply to show myself that I am the same adamant me, who refuse to feel bad... :)


Plus I am going to brush up my dream...Dream of being a writer....To an extent writing blog helped me to get rid of feeling dead guilty.. But now i strongly feel about it.....there comes a time for everyone when we feel bad for staying in the safe cocoon....Not venturing what we want...


No..No..I am not going to resign neither I can travel to some flashy place and get the alone time to think and write...I do madly love my pay cheques and cant think of a day when I am not earning myself.. he he....But I am seriously going to do something about my dream....


To be very true I started writing seriously a few months back, when I was less busy at work....But later when I was rewarded with few prestigious assignments, I over enthusiastically forgot the 40+ pages and pushed it from desktop to my personal folder ...As the saying goes..out of sight out of mind....Days became week and week turned to be months...


And then, a beautiful day arrived....As usual I went to office carrying my dear lappy..Mid of the day I received a mail from my manger asking to upgrade certain software...Being a person who find all the interference in the work as something to be happy about....I closed all the work I was doing and started installing the upgrades...Growing bored with the "loading bar" I opened FB, online newpapers, few parenting sites ( my new addiction, easy to read on how to be a good parent than practicing all those thing real ..It doo make us feel good!! ;) )...I remember getting pop ups based on software updates where I have to say "Yes" "yes" and again " Yes"...Being so engrossed in the articles and fb pics, I simply gave yes to all pop up and then all of a sudden my screen began to blink and I could see many unknown files popping up...For one second I couldn't understand..Then it striked...Virusssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, my poor system was attacked by a dirty malvirus (dnt ask me where it came from, I don't have the slightest clueee.. :( )


I was completely shaken...Being very responsible, I never use to save or update my work using crash recovery system..I moved it to shared folders only once its completely done...I trusted my machine so much and never thought such thing could happen to me....


Might be my intuition, even when my manager and senior collegues tried hard  to either remove the virus or to recover the data.. I was pretty sure, I lost everything that I stored...All the files were corrupted and cudn't decrypt it back..My mind tried to adjust with reality...As a final hope I took my system to our IT guy and waited with my fingers crossed. And then came the final verdict " Reimage the system..All the files got corrupted"..
Bhooommmm....


One side I have to redo my task which I could have moved to "completed " status soon...Other side I lost all the things which I have lovingly saved in my personal folder...including my "musings"


To sum up, I lost all my data in a wimps of second....hoooooooooooooo


Postive thing is I have a fresh slate to start...So here it goes..My toast to myself for becoming a wonderful writer... :) :) :) Feeling very sleepy ..Will catch you 2maro...